The Grandpa Diaries

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It’s a nice, sunny and windy summer day.
I feel like writing a post today, because i don’t think i can retain so many thoughts in my head.
Yesterday i woke up really late, like at 11am (which is weird because i tend to be a morning person) and didn’t do the “typical saturday clean up” we usually do at home, not sure why though. Got up and went to the kitchen to make myself a tea as i listened to “Gold” by my super faves producers Bondax on my ipod; thinking about what mum had told me: “Your grandpa is not doing good today. He couldn’t sleep, and he has thrown up all his breakfast this morning. Now he’s in bed, and we should let him rest”
I locked myself in the bathroom to cry, because i felt sad and needed to.
My grandpa has cancer.
It’s been almost a year since he was diagnosed and i’m really proud of his strenght and determination to keep himself healthy and try to feel better. But these last few weeks, he hasn’t been able to do much than staying in bed or in the couch and it’s frustrating trying to feed him, as he doesn’t want to taste any kind of food.
These couple of days have been quite weird and i can feel a tension-like atmosphere, and silence. Lots of silence.
We’re all trying to keep it real, but we hide our feelings because there’s no point in showing them. What for? That would make things worse.
As a consequence, i find myself lonely. And sad. And crying and feeling empty and feeling like shit because i can do nothing about it. I’m constantly avoiding being at home, foolishly believing that once i’m out,  i will stop thinking about everything at least for a while. But that’s not truth, and train journeys, bike rides and long walks seem perfect to think about it.
And can’t imagine how he must be feeling. Is he sick of not being able to do all that he used to? Is he mad about everything that’s going on with him? Is he hopeful and full of life and fighting for all that he wants? Is he terrified about what we’re all terrified about? Or is he so in pain that he can’t even think about all those?
I’ve been writing this post this whole day, adding little things that came to my mind.
I took care of him with my mum, i helped him get up from bed, gave him something to drink, hold a tower near when he brushed his teeth.
And i realize that that’s all that i can do.
Might not be much, but is all very clear.
I just wished i could find other ways to tell him how much i love him.
Everyday.

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