Uncertainty

I’m in that moment of doubt again.

I’m stressed and don’t even want to think about lot’s of stuff.

University is a fucking pain in the ass lately: I don’t do my “homework”, i tend to be late to class (it starts at 9, but i usually get there 9:30) or directly be absent. Don’t give a fuck for the things my teachers say and find myself extremely bored during the lessons. Once it’s over, i run to catch the train and rush straight to work, no lunch included. After work, i get home at 10pm, take a shower, cook something and after responding some e-mails and check out some stats, sleep.

Spend my long hours on the train and the bus thinking what do i want from this lifestyle of mine. I’m not enjoying myself at all. I pray for the weekends to come soon, because if don’t have to work on saturday, I’d have TWO ENTIRE DAYS FOR ME.

I’m constantly thinking about how much can you need a degree to become a photographer? What does it certifies? That you know how to use your camera?

The reality is that these past two years i did learn a lot. But i’ve learned the most while being on the run: working as an stylist and creating my own projects helped me more than any teacher or any grade i’ve ever received.

Reality is that i haven’t even approached to my camera these past 10 months to do something purely by pleasure. I’m reluctant to do that, because something has grown on me since i’ve started studying photography: Fear of being wrong.

If you wanna know, photography-related enviroment tends to be an ego battlefield. You can’t make a mistake because there’s always gonna be someone who’s gonna preach you for that. Today and always.

On the other hand, time is also a factor that makes me anxious, as i wanna do everything and end up doing nothing. Got a part time job ever since this last semester started and try to keep up with everything.

But can’t suceed.

As another factor, I’ve found myself proud and fully commited to my personal project: My dear Fashion Blog, the one i’m working really hard to make it grow and hopefully, to make it my own business. That’s pretty much the only thing i enjoy these months.

I know, i’m not really commited to the whole uni thing because in my life i’ve had one view about education: it helped me for almost nothing. Lucky you, if it was the other way around in your case.

But to me, the real lessons in life come when you put yourself out there, determined to really get what you want.

“My desk time is over” I told my english teacher last year before finishing my C.A.E exam “I want to go out and use everything i’ve learnt these 15 years learning english: i want to talk, to travel, to live the language and learn what i didn’t on the run

I’d always be that Hermione in your class.

But now, I’m  Wanda, and after almost 21 years alive, I wanna take a stand and have a voice.

Have a choice.

But unfortunately, this is really difficult when you know your decision will make a difference to your whole family and disturb the “peace” around your place.

One way or the other, i always end up being dependent.

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