Mischief of my mind

 

Here’s the part where i should apologize for not writing in over a year, but neither of us want to hear that.

I just feel that everytime i stand up to search for something and forget it, i have to go back to the spot where i was to remember.

And so i feel everytime i lost myself, i need to go back to the start to remember who i am.

I stopped writing here over a year ago, when something happened to me and I decided i had to grow up, stop messing around with doodles and getting some money on my pockets. And so i did, and lost myself in the middle of a sea of adult paraphernalia that i really don’t know how to describe.

I came back here after the storm. I came back here like when you come back home after a cold day of winter and you just wanna feel safe and warm in your pijamas, in your own skin. And knowing that no matter how you’re looking today, no one’s gonna judge you.

I feel the pressure on myself today. And every single goddamn day, the pressure coming from the world, from my family, from my friends and from myself. I feel like all the time i HAVE to do things because of the sake of doing them. I feel like everything i do has to have a very important impact on the world, on my economic situation, on my social status.

I forgot how to be spontaneous and happy.

I forgot the time when i was not thinking about money.

There are so many distractions out here that i can’t seem to focus on the important things anymore. 

I know more than i thought i would by my age. The number is 22, but the experiences and sacrifices behind the number go beyond the  mere physical age. In other words “i do feel old”

When did this happen? How fast everything has gone that by now those moments are now memories? How on earth can people cope with having so many feelings at the same time and not feel overwhelmed by the intensity of thoughts that comes along with them?

When am i ever gonna truly relax and feel like a 5 year old girl again?

When am i gonna feel real again?

 

Just raw thoughts.

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