Notebook of thoughts

quarantine

It’s amazing yet confusing everything that’s happening in the world right now. I look outside the window and see a different kind of scenery, not only because the sun is shining for days and days in a row (something that’s not really usual here in Germany) but also because the streets are empty. And they’re empty because we have been advised not to leave our houses and given the case we have to, only two people at a time.

I really don’t know if my life on-quarantine is so different from my life off-quarantine: I do love being at home, I live at home, I work from home and seldomly leave (mostly go out for groceries or to a café because #mentalhealth). But I believe it’s this feeling of knowing that it is not allowed to go outside that makes me crave my freedom like no other time.

I try to keep it cool, but I’m prone to be depressed so it’s hard not to be able to leave the house for days. I do spend a little more time on the grocery store looking at things I’m not going to buy and walk a little bit slower in order not to go back inside so quickly. On the other hand, I feel the tension in the air when I leave home: everyone’s scared, everyone’s worried, everyone feels uncertain.

I never thought I’d be living such a time like this and I never thought I would do it in Germany, for instance. Being away from home makes me constantly wonder how’s everyone doing, how difficult is it for them and feeling nostalgic about not being there and will probably not be in the long run.

I had plans. We all had plans. My ticket to Argentina dated for the 29th April 2020 but I’m more than sure that’s not really likely to happen: if I land there and stay two or three weeks in quarantine doesn’t make sense for a 4 week trip.

Call me cheesy (cheesy being vegan, lol) but I’m pretty sure this is an opportunity we have in order to rethink how we are actually living, not only as individuals but also as a collective, a community, a society. What are our habits and how detrimental they are for the earth. And I could go on with a moral speech, yet it’s 23.30 and I’m feeling more like going to bed than to preach on shit nobody wants to hear however, everyone knows.

Do your part and stay home. Think about what this situation means to you. Use your time to cultivate new habits, pursue new hobbies, create new projects, learn a new language or simply let yourself exist, because we almost never take time off from being busy.

Take care,

Wan

motivation is no longer a thing.

I am no longer motivated to do anything. Is it for me to blame mercury retrograde? should i blame this feeling of constant exhaustation? Am I maybe too overwhelmed by everything I’m pursuing at the moment or is it that I’m not really an organized person?

I feel bad when I see people working full time, complaining they have no time, that they are struggling over money and simply can’t fit another thing on their schedule; it makes me wonder why am i complaining over what I’ve chosen for me?

Is that actually how it’s supposed to be? Should I feel less tired because others are more tired than I am? Should I be more grateful for having more time than other people? Should I stop complaining about stuff that’s happening to me because others have it worse?

I’m quite tired of that shit. I need to validate my feelings and feel empathy for others but concentrate on what is going on with ME. Because what everyone else is going through is, in the end, their thing.

My body is tired. My mind is tired. If I don’t fix all the issues that keep me like this and stop working like a mad person I will never be fine. I need to prioritaze myself, my body and well being so I can enjoy more everything I want to do and don’t feel it like a burden.

Because I really, truly feel that everything that’s coming up needs me 100% well and focused.

my favorite hiding place

I fantasize with hiding things inside socks. Who’d actually suspect that a sock would contain a valuable item inside? A valuable secret.

A sock is a sock. It stands still doing what it’s supposed to do: be a sock.

It lays around, being unnoticed. Just like a leaf in autumn hiding itself in a sea of hundred other leaves.

A sock is that place that goes unnoticed, yet hides it all.

this is a writing prompt by 642 things to write about

Read Slow

I’m getting up earlier these mornings, around 6.30.September brought along some chill sweater weather, reminding us that autumn is coming, so the breeze I feel while riding my bike to the gym* makes me feel cold, yet it’s nice.
Throughout the years, understood that I am 100% a morning person. Mornings are the moments to be with myself. To set the tone for the rest of the day.
Today, for example, after the gym I took a shower. Not quick, not slow, just an average time shower. Prepared my breakfast and put some chill music in the background.
Unlikely the past few hot summer months, I decided I would make some tea; so took the herbs, placed them inside the infuser and poured the water. I had to wait some minutes; you know, depending on the tea 5-8 minutes so grabbed my book and started reading.

Somehow, while waiting for the tea and reading, I remembered I had seen a couple of articles about how to speed up your reading or how to read 10 books per week, or something of the sort. Never read one myself, but I began to wonder why. Why do people want to read 10 books per week? What’s the fun in all that? I was sitting on my chair, making tea, creating a ritual around me just to enjoy it. Slowly.

We want it all fast and furious. When are we going to start enjoying every little thing that’s happening in our lives? I seriously don’t give a fuck about you or me reading 100 books per week. It just adds more stress to do stuff we don’t need to do. You’re not smarter or better person than anyone for reading many books a week, so what is actually what you want to prove? That you can? Why not giving yourself the space and time to relax and read? Like my tea, the best flavour comes after giving it time to sit.

Stop counting the books you read per week and start digesting the stories. Give them the time they need and you’ll get the best.

Read slow.

*I go to the gym early morning; it’s kind of a habit I’ve developed without wanting to: working from home (and working looooong hours) realized that I was prone to skip the gym in the evening, so opted to go first thing in the morning (after peeing & brushing my hair).

it’s contagious

i see myself reflected on the screen of my computer while writing this.

My hair has grown a whole lot. Last time i had a haircut was last february, just because i wanted a change, yet now I want to let it grow. Finally I’ve got rid of all the dyed bits of my hair and my natural color (and some gray hairs, must say) is visible. Hadn’t seen my natural hair in almost a decade.

I might need to pluck my eyebrows. Those wild hairs grow so quickly! Don’t they know I don’t want them there, that’s why i pluck them on the first place? How dare they! On the other hand, they grow to give me the chance to change the shape of my eyebrows every now and then. Thanks eyebrows, but right now i’m happy with the shape, so stop growing so fast.

Under my eyebrows, my eyes are asking for a detail description of themselves. So self-centered of you, dear eyes. I’ve never been so fond of them to be honest; my aunt used to say that I had stray dog eyes: brown and ordinary. Wore blue contacts for a while when I was younger, cause I wanted to find a way to change them. Don’t get me wrong, they are perfectly healthy and are oh so useful, yet I couldn’t stand the fact that they were not a beautiful blue, or gray, or green. With time, I’ve learned to love them again and apologized for wanting to change them and not accepting them as they are. Something funny is that now that I live in a country where everyone has blue eyes, me and my stray dog, brown and ordinary eyes stand out from the rest.

That nose of mine. I don’t know who’s nose i’ve inherited, but it’s the cutest nose ever. Not too large, not too small, perfect size. It has been for my teenage years, the place where many zits decided to stay, leaving scars for me to remember them. Nice of them. My nose turns red when it’s too cold. It’s one of her superpowers.

Always thought my face looks bigger thanks to my cheeks. OH MY CHEEKS. Love, hate, love. They are always there to show the world how embarrassed or shy I am, that’s when they turn pink and I end up exposed.

My lips are big. Big, full and dry. Sometimes they are covered by my prominent moustache (joke or not?) but most of the times they make their way out of the jungle and stand out, being big, pink and full, when i smile mostly.

And i try to do it often.

Maybe because it’s contagious.